Burnout.

I was planning to write this earlier and then work got in the way.

And then I got an email today that shouldn’t have ruined me but did.

Here’s the thing about me. I care. Way. Too. Much. So, as a result, I either put no effort into something or I put 110% into everything. There is nowhere in between.

I’ve been joking with Michele about her taking Jiminy to TN and she’s not allowed to, but in the back of my mind, I keep thinking, what if I did send Jiminy to TN? That would leave me with Batty and Subi. Obviously I’d never be able  to ride again, but if I got rid of Batt, then I’d just  have Subi. Could I board him somewhere? Put him down? WTH? I know  I’m just stressed.  Stressed with work, stressed with life. Stressed with money. Stressed with migraines. And burned out. And it’s raining. And everything looks like crap.And my yard it washing away. And nothing is good.

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Mini for sale?

And I’m not having fun. I feel like utter crap. I need to ride and enjoy at least Batt and things will be better and I know  it. But then weather sucks ALL THE TIME and I don’t have  anyone to ride with and I’m not exactly motivated to start solo trail riding through Fair Hill…

And then Batt ruins not ONE but  TWO  fly sheet (one was repaired and the other was on it’s last legs) and the 2 I bought both didn’t fit…

And then I checked my personal email  (that I don’t check obsessively) and had the most WTF email from my former boss. And I’m back to being upset and done and  in tears about my former teaching job. I wasn’t fired, but position was eliminated (but part of it was advertised before I was let go) but here is huge long list of all the reasons why I’m a terrible person….:

*complained about the horses (I regularly described a few of them as saints and did try to explain that a few of students where terrified of a couple and blamed the issue on the student — FOR RIGHT OR WRONG)

*complained about the people (I miss my students terribly so I’m not sure where this came from)

*turned away those you didn’t want to teach (I turned 1 student away because I was told I could.  They regularly NO SHOWED even when they confirmed they would be there. Didn’t return calls/texts, then cancelled 5 minutes before the lesson or just failed to show up. Then when he was there, it was as struggle. Then they’d fall off the face of the earth for a while. )

*only wanted to teach those that could get their own horse (I was happy to catch/tack up???)

*only wanted to teach older teens or adults (I just happen to like adult beginners. Meaning first time on a horse adults. I do better with them then teens or kids. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t teach the others?????? I was happy too. I  had an 11 year old, a 13 year old, a 56 year old, a 17 year old, and  a 70 year old who just stopped riding). 

*only wanted to teach certain hours/days  (I’m sorry, I said I only wanted 1 day/week. Once I was allowed to do Saturdays, this was the day I stuck with (unless doing make ups). I work an hour 20 minutes from the barn.  I  leave work at 5. There are no lights (I did teach teach from car lights once, but it wasn’t safe).

*appeared annoyed if asked to do a trail ride (I guess I  just have an annoyed appearance. I just like to know when there are trail rides. Though maybe the time when I was soaked through and frozen from torrential rain I may have been annoyed.I thought I w as just cold.)

 

*complained when you didn’t get a tip for trail rides (I once made the statement that I don’t care if I ever get tips for trail rides. But, the trail ride that called constantly making complaints and changes and  showed up late and blah blah…Then I was asked by then boss if they tipped. I said no. That may have been my one exception to my tipping rule. But, had they said thank you and  not complained about wearing a helmet? That would have been nice too.)

*didn’t pick up after your students (I’m not the last person in t he barn. I  swept up after  my lessons, but I wasn’t the only lessons of the day. Maybe  I should have swept up after the boarders or the owner’s daughter’s lessons, but…)

*had to clean up after you and your lessons every week (If this were going on every week, why was nothing said?)

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I want young,healthy,and sound back.

*didn’t make sure horses were cared for properly after lessons (I did. To the point that several times I double checked that a couple horses were  OK  to go out. I also purchased my own fly spray to use on horses for trail rides  and lessons because none was provided for the lesson horses. It was the cheap bronco stuff, but it was better than nothing. I also sunscreened noses before turn out or applied stuff to rain rot…)

*didn’t even ask lesson people to participate in horse shows (I did. They said no. Or one showed until she decided didn’t enjoy it. )

What you also fail to remember or tell anyone, are the many things that we did for you, including:

 Helped you with lessons and to get ready with trail rides (I guess thank you wasn’t enough)

Let you bring your horse for the day (I always asked and I always said thank you)

Gave you vet advice on many occasions (I have certainly shared this. Do you need a list?)

Took off a day of work to come be with you to put Haley down (  While I don’t talk about this much at all, this counts as one of the kindest things anyone has ever done. But, I have mentioned it and the people who need to know, know.)

Treated you as one of our barn family (I apologize if I forgot my  place as the hired help)

Paid you fairly (at least 30%) of lessons/trail rides (I’m sorry if I should have been paid less than this?????)

Provided you with new lesson people (yes? I scheduled some, others chose to ride elsewhere  or failed to ever respond. 

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Even he looks happy.

You treated my customers as though they were only there for your financial gain and not mine.  Your actions came at a price to my business and impacted it negatively, so if you want to read the above and then tell me again that I’m the one that was unprofessional or lacked integrity, go ahead and try. (I was either fired or my position was eliminated.  You cannot have it both ways. Maybe I lack integrity, but, as the owner of a business, if I was this terrible of a person and that terrible of a horse person, why was this NOT ONCE DIRECTLY DIRECTLY DIRECTLY addressed to me? Dear Sarah, these are all t he things you are doing wrong. Please improve by this date or you will need to go. Thank you, the Management. ? Yes, in person would be better, but things don’t work that way… I haven’t responded, I don’t know that I will. I’m not sure I have anything I want to say. I’ve said it all here. I’m sure we have mutual acquaintances and maybe  she’ll read this blog and comment (joy of moderated comments). But,  I don’t care. I’m  done. )

The truth has multiple sides. I don’t know what it is. I just know that I’m sick of putting  my heart and soul into things and getting  flattened.

I really hate the horseworld sometimes.

And horses?  They take so much out of you. Is it worth it?

Does anyone want to a horse? Do I really mean that? I don’t know.

But I miss this.

 

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I miss days on this horse.

 

17 thoughts on “Burnout.

  1. I’m sorry things are so rough right now 😦 I’m sad for you that your old boss felt it necessary to send that rather than just moving on in a positive and professional manner.

  2. Sorry things aren’t going well for you. It sucks when you put your all into something and get told it isn’t good enough. If she was having issues with you all along, she could have pulled you aside and spoken with you about it and given you a chance to make changes instead of this. Big hugs from a far.

    • Except I’m sure these aren’t issues. They’re excuses. I’m not blameless. I’ll own up to accepting help (it was offered) and not being willing to teach weeknights (I work full time). But I’m not a mind reader. I also can’t take care of things that happen when I leave. So it is what it is. I need to cut toxicity out of my life. Maybe I need to take up pottery.

  3. I know how you feel. I put my heart and soul into my previous job, was fired because of something super crazy (still not sure I’m ready to talk about it publicly) and I’ve had to restart so much because of all that happened. I’d have panic attacks just thinking about riding. If you ever need an ear or just an “I feel you” please feel free to email me ❤ I'm so sorry you're going through this.

  4. ugh you know how i feel about all this. As you said IF there was a problem (not that there was) communication would have helped rather than firing (sorry but that was what it was). People are idiots.

    And I wont steal Jiminy from you. Yet…

    I am sorry the burnout is real. I have it too (In totally different ways). I found out yesterday they wanted me at the closing next week. Mark had to ask they never told us. And i was like. I CANT BE IN TWO PLACES AT ONCE PEOPLE. I either get the house packed up and drive to TN. OR I go to the closing. I told Mark I am ready to curl up in a fetal ball. And work. UGH let’s not even talk.

    I am ready to Thelma and Louise us over a cliff about now 🙂 I hope things get better for you. Do you have a Ranger lesson today that always helps! are we still in on for tomorrow possibly That will help BOTH OF US.

    Keep on texting/emailing…that is what i am here for (Oh and stealing Jiminy hee hee hee)

  5. Ugh. Things suck right now for sure.
    First of all, that this was sent in an email speaks more about them than you. So, yeah, write it in your blog. If you do respond you could try: ‘I see that there a lot of things that could be discussed. Email is not the way to do it. If you want to talk let me know and we can set up a time’. Or some such thing. Or just ‘sending this by email is not appropriate. if you want to talk, call and set up a time. otherwise, do not use this as a passive-agressive way to have the last word’.

    The weather this spring has been like a yo-yo and made schooling very hard. the rest of your decisions are hard and I will not weigh in because I don’t think I would helpful at all.

    • Thanks. I am done with toxic people. The burnout part is separate but I’ll get over it. I responded to one part (Hayley) but I’ll never hear back nor do I want or need to. I don’t need a response. It’s time to be done. I don’t need that level of anger in my life. It’s not healthy.

  6. Ugh that sucks and is just SO unnecessary and passive aggressive. Like, not that you can’t do anything about any of these things, I am going to throw them at you and try to ruin your day. Try to just let it go as best you can. There is nothing you can do about any of that now (even if it wasn’t your fault), and you are not responsible for things that were never discussed with you. It’s just a job, that clearly wasn’t worth the money they paid you. The sun will come back out, the mud will dry up, and horses will bring you joy again.

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