I was planning to write this earlier and then work got in the way.
And then I got an email today that shouldn’t have ruined me but did.
Here’s the thing about me. I care. Way. Too. Much. So, as a result, I either put no effort into something or I put 110% into everything. There is nowhere in between.
I’ve been joking with Michele about her taking Jiminy to TN and she’s not allowed to, but in the back of my mind, I keep thinking, what if I did send Jiminy to TN? That would leave me with Batty and Subi. Obviously I’d never be able to ride again, but if I got rid of Batt, then I’d just have Subi. Could I board him somewhere? Put him down? WTH? I know I’m just stressed. Stressed with work, stressed with life. Stressed with money. Stressed with migraines. And burned out. And it’s raining. And everything looks like crap.And my yard it washing away. And nothing is good.
And I’m not having fun. I feel like utter crap. I need to ride and enjoy at least Batt and things will be better and I know it. But then weather sucks ALL THE TIME and I don’t have anyone to ride with and I’m not exactly motivated to start solo trail riding through Fair Hill…
And then Batt ruins not ONE but TWO fly sheet (one was repaired and the other was on it’s last legs) and the 2 I bought both didn’t fit…
And then I checked my personal email (that I don’t check obsessively) and had the most WTF email from my former boss. And I’m back to being upset and done and in tears about my former teaching job. I wasn’t fired, but position was eliminated (but part of it was advertised before I was let go) but here is huge long list of all the reasons why I’m a terrible person….:
*complained about the horses (I regularly described a few of them as saints and did try to explain that a few of students where terrified of a couple and blamed the issue on the student — FOR RIGHT OR WRONG)
*complained about the people (I miss my students terribly so I’m not sure where this came from)
*turned away those you didn’t want to teach (I turned 1 student away because I was told I could. They regularly NO SHOWED even when they confirmed they would be there. Didn’t return calls/texts, then cancelled 5 minutes before the lesson or just failed to show up. Then when he was there, it was as struggle. Then they’d fall off the face of the earth for a while. )
*only wanted to teach those that could get their own horse (I was happy to catch/tack up???)
*only wanted to teach older teens or adults (I just happen to like adult beginners. Meaning first time on a horse adults. I do better with them then teens or kids. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t teach the others?????? I was happy too. I had an 11 year old, a 13 year old, a 56 year old, a 17 year old, and a 70 year old who just stopped riding).
*only wanted to teach certain hours/days (I’m sorry, I said I only wanted 1 day/week. Once I was allowed to do Saturdays, this was the day I stuck with (unless doing make ups). I work an hour 20 minutes from the barn. I leave work at 5. There are no lights (I did teach teach from car lights once, but it wasn’t safe).
*appeared annoyed if asked to do a trail ride (I guess I just have an annoyed appearance. I just like to know when there are trail rides. Though maybe the time when I was soaked through and frozen from torrential rain I may have been annoyed.I thought I w as just cold.)
*complained when you didn’t get a tip for trail rides (I once made the statement that I don’t care if I ever get tips for trail rides. But, the trail ride that called constantly making complaints and changes and showed up late and blah blah…Then I was asked by then boss if they tipped. I said no. That may have been my one exception to my tipping rule. But, had they said thank you and not complained about wearing a helmet? That would have been nice too.)
*didn’t pick up after your students (I’m not the last person in t he barn. I swept up after my lessons, but I wasn’t the only lessons of the day. Maybe I should have swept up after the boarders or the owner’s daughter’s lessons, but…)
*had to clean up after you and your lessons every week (If this were going on every week, why was nothing said?)
*didn’t make sure horses were cared for properly after lessons (I did. To the point that several times I double checked that a couple horses were OK to go out. I also purchased my own fly spray to use on horses for trail rides and lessons because none was provided for the lesson horses. It was the cheap bronco stuff, but it was better than nothing. I also sunscreened noses before turn out or applied stuff to rain rot…)
*didn’t even ask lesson people to participate in horse shows (I did. They said no. Or one showed until she decided didn’t enjoy it. )
What you also fail to remember or tell anyone, are the many things that we did for you, including:
Helped you with lessons and to get ready with trail rides (I guess thank you wasn’t enough)
Let you bring your horse for the day (I always asked and I always said thank you)
Gave you vet advice on many occasions (I have certainly shared this. Do you need a list?)
Took off a day of work to come be with you to put Haley down ( While I don’t talk about this much at all, this counts as one of the kindest things anyone has ever done. But, I have mentioned it and the people who need to know, know.)
Treated you as one of our barn family (I apologize if I forgot my place as the hired help)
Paid you fairly (at least 30%) of lessons/trail rides (I’m sorry if I should have been paid less than this?????)
Provided you with new lesson people (yes? I scheduled some, others chose to ride elsewhere or failed to ever respond.
You treated my customers as though they were only there for your financial gain and not mine. Your actions came at a price to my business and impacted it negatively, so if you want to read the above and then tell me again that I’m the one that was unprofessional or lacked integrity, go ahead and try. (I was either fired or my position was eliminated. You cannot have it both ways. Maybe I lack integrity, but, as the owner of a business, if I was this terrible of a person and that terrible of a horse person, why was this NOT ONCE DIRECTLY DIRECTLY DIRECTLY addressed to me? Dear Sarah, these are all t he things you are doing wrong. Please improve by this date or you will need to go. Thank you, the Management. ? Yes, in person would be better, but things don’t work that way… I haven’t responded, I don’t know that I will. I’m not sure I have anything I want to say. I’ve said it all here. I’m sure we have mutual acquaintances and maybe she’ll read this blog and comment (joy of moderated comments). But, I don’t care. I’m done. )
The truth has multiple sides. I don’t know what it is. I just know that I’m sick of putting my heart and soul into things and getting flattened.
I really hate the horseworld sometimes.
And horses? They take so much out of you. Is it worth it?
Does anyone want to a horse? Do I really mean that? I don’t know.
But I miss this.