2019: Good Riddance

Boys in the barn.

As 2019 draws to a close, the year has caught up with me or I’ve just fallen back into a migraine pattern. Either way, the last couple months have caught up with me and I’m just down for the count.

I think I’m struggling the most because one of the best parts of 2019 (Nay) is a direct result of the worst part of 2019 (Batt). I don’t know how to resolve this in my mind. I just don’t know…

2019 didn’t start off terribly. After all, my barn installation happened in 2019 (a lifetime ago). But the year will be defined by November.

Miss this freedom. Best trail horse ever.

Because November came and… I still can’t wrap my head around losing Batt. I’m missing him so much today and yet November seems so far away. When I couldn’t save him, I threw myself into trying to save Subi. We lost Batt on Wednesday night. We dropped him off at the clinic, leaving him at 7:30 and he was gone by 9. The worst day after losing Batt was that Sunday morning that followed when Subi got loose, and went running in full panic around my neighbors’ yards in a blind panic, trying to find Batt. I was sure I was going to lose him to that day. How he didn’t kill himself, I will never know.

Since that day, my focus was Subi and saving Subi. I tried everything. I tried to borrow a horse and eventually the easiest option became adoption. Enter Nay Nay.

This way the hardest and easiest decision I’ve ever made. I saw his listing and convinced myself it couldn’t work out. The rescue also had companions I could adopt for as long or short term as necessary. But meeting Nay, riding Nay… it was the first time I smiled in a month which made me cry which made me question why this was working out. I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Will never not adore this moment ❤️

You see, Nayners has been the best part of 2019. He’s made Subi whole again, he’s made me happy. But then again, I shouldn’t have needed him in my life. But he IS here and I’m falling for him and I think I DO love him already too. So I’m struggling here. And that’s what I’m ending 2019 thinking about. And missing my Batthorse.

13 thoughts on “2019: Good Riddance

  1. (Hugs) 2019 has been a roller coaster for sure. And I do understand what you’re going through. I found myself wanting Steele back and happy that I had Carmen. I could see that the logic wasn’t there because I would never have bought Carmen if I had t lost Steele. But the heart doesn’t care and I just accepted that it was true. My advice (for whatever it’s worth) is to not to try to sync these things up. It is possible to be happy and sad at the same time. And it’s oaky.

    • Thanks. I try not to play the what if or if then game simply because of stuff like this, but I found myself in this trap yesterday and I couldn’t get out. Writing it down did help. I wasn’t going to publish, but then I figured why not? I went out to buy grain yesterday, beating myself up for 3 lazy days feeling like crap when I should go ride (I just couldn’t make myself) and the feed store person reminded me that I’ve been through a lot and maybe I need to take a few days. So I did. My head is less dead today so maybe I’ll haul out to ride. No idea if the barn closes for holidays but I’ll find out when I get there? Lol.

  2. It’s ok to find joy and love in Nay. It won’t diminish the loss of Batt. I promise. It’s ok to grieve. You need to grieve. Believe me, I know where you’re at. But it’s also perfectly ok to keep living and allowing happiness back into your days. It’s how we survive.

    • ❤️❤️❤️ thanks. I know all of this logically but sometimes… I just started myself down a path of best moments of the year and in some ways, Nay is a highlight, but he’s only here because I lost Batty and it became a vicious cycle last night. But, I can love him without having to relate that to Batt. And I will, but I’m just not entirely there yet. For now, I’m just going to enjoy the good moments and try not to put any other significance good or bad into it. Though I will be grateful that Nayners more or less saved Subi. He’s Saint Nay Nay for that! Rambling mess, I know.

  3. All I can say is that life is strange. Somehow we blunder our way along the path. If I hadn’t lost Stampede I may have kept trying to make Maestro work out for me. Once Stampede was gone I just knew the answer, it was right in front of me. Phoenix has been a large source of security for me along the way, that horse is just always there for me, but Ernie coming in has restored my faith in horses and my riding. I still haven’t let go of some of the things I picked up from riding Maestro, but Ernie forgives me instantly after I screw up and goes on like nothing happened.

    Here’s to better luck for both of us for 2020!

    • Life is very odd, isn’t it? Nay and Batt are very different, but very similar? He’s calm and just not spooky, like Batt, and loves food (I’d say, what horse doesn’t like to eat, but have you all met Subi?). But, then Batt, the quietest horse ever, was so freaking strong and hard for my husband to lead. Nay, now that he’s learned the routine, is generally easy and doesn’t pull. But, he’s a screamer (omg it drives me INSANE, especially because he tends to scream while I’m holding the end of his lead rope/reins). But, he’s a good egg and is always happy to see EVERYONE. It’s nice to have a happy horse.

  4. I’m so glad you found Nay ❤ Logically, we KNOW that it's okay to love another horse, that the loss of the other won't be forgotten if we have the new one, but emotionally, that takes time. It is a struggle, but we're here for you, and so is Nay ❤
    I'm with you tho. Good riddance 2019.

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