As 2019 draws to a close, the year has caught up with me or I’ve just fallen back into a migraine pattern. Either way, the last couple months have caught up with me and I’m just down for the count.
I think I’m struggling the most because one of the best parts of 2019 (Nay) is a direct result of the worst part of 2019 (Batt). I don’t know how to resolve this in my mind. I just don’t know…
2019 didn’t start off terribly. After all, my barn installation happened in 2019 (a lifetime ago). But the year will be defined by November.
Because November came and… I still can’t wrap my head around losing Batt. I’m missing him so much today and yet November seems so far away. When I couldn’t save him, I threw myself into trying to save Subi. We lost Batt on Wednesday night. We dropped him off at the clinic, leaving him at 7:30 and he was gone by 9. The worst day after losing Batt was that Sunday morning that followed when Subi got loose, and went running in full panic around my neighbors’ yards in a blind panic, trying to find Batt. I was sure I was going to lose him to that day. How he didn’t kill himself, I will never know.
Since that day, my focus was Subi and saving Subi. I tried everything. I tried to borrow a horse and eventually the easiest option became adoption. Enter Nay Nay.
This way the hardest and easiest decision I’ve ever made. I saw his listing and convinced myself it couldn’t work out. The rescue also had companions I could adopt for as long or short term as necessary. But meeting Nay, riding Nay… it was the first time I smiled in a month which made me cry which made me question why this was working out. I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop.
You see, Nayners has been the best part of 2019. He’s made Subi whole again, he’s made me happy. But then again, I shouldn’t have needed him in my life. But he IS here and I’m falling for him and I think I DO love him already too. So I’m struggling here. And that’s what I’m ending 2019 thinking about. And missing my Batthorse.