Some people celebrate birthdays. Some people celebrate memorials. Others celebrate other life changing events.
And I’m not sure how life changing or momentous this event was, but it’s something I try to think about because it certainly was more life changing than I like to admit.
And that was that. I’ve talked about it before on this blog. I remember it, but I don’t. It’s blurry. If you want to know what happened, read the blog I linked to.
The thing that bothers me the most about that day is that it completely ruined my relationship with Hayley. It shouldn’t have, but it did. There was nothing vengeful or malicious about the kick. She wasn’t targeting me, she was aiming at Batt, but more than anything, she, my crippled mare, was feeling good. With all her health issues, was feeling good. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, untying a freaking knot of all things and got kicked in the head.
So I play the if only game.
If I had stayed at work instead of coming home early due to a headache, I’d have been fine.
If I’d have come home, but NOT fed and left if to my husband instead, I’d have been fine. After all, he always fed that meal.
If I had left the damn hay net alone, I’d have been fine.
If I had let myself fall into the mud instead of refusing to fall, I’d have been fine, after all, the second impact, the “catching myself” may have caused more injury than the initial kick.
If I had argued with the ER doctor who told me I was fine when I knew I wasn’t.
If I hadn’t gone back to work when I knew I wasn’t fine just to prove a point.
If I hadn’t waited until I couldn’t talk to see my primary care doctor (not exactly true, I called and made an appointment, but the office took my word which was the ER doc’s word that I was fine. That was what he told me. No fracture, no concussion), I’d be fine.
If I had done any of the above, my migraines wouldn’t be as bad as they are now.
The what if, they don’t help. But, they give an overly analytical person stuff to obsess about.
And the truth of the matter is, I had migraines before this happened. I left work BECAUSE of a migraine. Just not a bad migraine. And, I’d had bad spells before this. And, my neurologist has told me that he’s not convinced this concussion has played role in my current situation.
But, I never had speech issues at all before this concussion. I get the speech issues now when I’m stressed and a migraine is coming on. That said, speech issues are a symptom of migraines.
So, looking back 5 years, I consider the what ifs because that’s be, but I also remind myself that there are what if that are so much worse that I try not to consider. And for that I am grateful.